Living (And Working) On The Edge
So, I’m “out” at work these days. It’s both a delight and a challenge.
It’s also very early in the process for that. According to standard recommendations, I ought to have waited until I was well into hormone therapy - until the physical changes had progressed so far that I could not possibly have continued hiding behind my old female identity.
There are good reasons for this recommendation, of course. Coming out on the job is a much bigger risk for many transfolk than it was for me. You see, I don’t have a mortgage, a spouse or any dependents; I don’t have a career that needs protecting or an image that bears preserving. My life thus far has been somewhat chaotic. Okay, very chaotic. I’m still finding my path.
And I had good reasons for choosing not to go by the book. For one thing, pre-existing health concerns make it uncertain how far I will be able to go in terms of physical transition. (I’m still waiting on the okay for hormones, which is making me very very nervous; it’s always possible that this step will be denied me. Prayers, spells, and positive vibes are welcomed...) So it felt very important for me to be able to make the decision that, hey, I am who I am, and I have the right to be openly and publicly myself, regardless of what medical interventions may or may not be part of my transition process.
Then there was the fact that some of the adult students I work with (I'm a part-time music instructor, working for a nonprofit organization) are also members of my church community, who were already aware of my coming out... it seemed insane to ask both myself and these friends of mine to keep pretending that I was really two different people - one growing happily into a trans male identity in my private life, while the other continued an increasingly unhappy and uncomfortable show of female identity in my professional life.
Besides... I had finally managed, just before the whole Trans thing exploded for me, to come out to certain close family members as being Lesbian. It was another step closer to being a whole person, no longer fragmented, no longer hiding parts of myself in dark places. Suddenly feeling like I had to divide myself and hide again was like a giant step in the wrong direction - one foot back in that damn closet, only worse than before, because now I really knew how small and cramped and stifling it was in there...
So out I came. And discovered, to my great relief and delight, that both my organization and my direct supervisor are openly and unquestioningly supportive - as are the colleague I work with most closely, the parents of my younger students, and the adult learners I work with. What an amazing gift!
Ah, but now I have to walk the walk - and keep on walking it. I’m out, and I’m staying out. And here’s how it works, as decided in discussions with my boss and HR: current students have been notified that I’m in transition, but the plan is that new students will simply meet me as I am - identifying and presenting as male, hearing my boss and fellow staff use male pronouns for me, with no further explanation given unless it’s requested or seems necessary.
This is terrific, and I’m actually very comfortable with it. But of course, it’s also challenging - because I don’t necessarily “read” as male in a lot of ways. This is not a step that people normally take until they pass much better than I do. And my fellow staff members are still understandably just a wee a bit inconsistent on the pronoun thing! It’s a good thing I have a highly active sense of humor, because this is making for some very interesting scenarios as I meet with this Fall’s new students... let’s just say I’ve done a lot of laughing.
And when there’s confusion, I’m not entirely sure how to clear it up, or even whether I need to. Like yesterday, when one younger student (who had been present for an adult slipup) started using a feminine pronoun for me, then quickly self-corrected it to the masculine... I’m not certain what prompted either the “error” or the correction, but the correction happened in the right direction, so I left it alone.
Despite this, overall my students seem quite comfortable with me. This is especially gratifying with the adults. Those who are officially “in the know” are openly encouraging, while the new folks so far have invariably been either willing to ignore my gender-ambiguity (perhaps concepts like “transgender” aren’t on their radar) or quietly aware and supportive.
And in general, the kids seem to accept the situation at face value, which is having some rather fascinating results. For instance, I’ve noticed that little boys in my classes seem to feel more comfortable now than previously - which is a good thing all around, since the lone one or two boys in a music or theater class among sometimes dozens of girls (as well as a female teacher) often feel themselves to be outsiders... and consequently act that way. Conversely, the little girls are now a little less comfortable, a little less familiar; they keep a little more formal distance. Not a whole lot, not a troubling amount, but just enough for me to feel the difference.
I can’t help but be curious about what exactly the kids are responding to. Visual cues? Body language? (What fascinating doctoral work this could be for someone...)
I suspect there will be many other interesting, confusing, weird, and enlightening moments over the coming year. I guess I’ll deal with them as they occur. I’m up for the challenge. Feeling whole, as it turns out, is worth a lot of oddities and inconveniences.
Besides, my hope is eventually for a world in which life isn’t all about “fitting the mold” - in which you shouldn’t have to pass as “normal” in order for your experience of yourself and the universe to be considered valid. So yeah... I’m willing to go out there as a trans male in progress - very early progress! - and claim my place. I don’t need to wait until I’m "normal" and non-confusing. We need to learn to deal with a world that isn’t always simple, with people who don’t always fit into boxes. So I can do this, and maybe help pave a way for others to do it, too.
And in return, I get moments that just plain feel amazing, and I get them really early on in my process... like hearing passing kids excitedly point me out to their parents as “the guy who plays the guitar.”
The guy...
Yeah, I could have waited longer to come out, I could have done it by the book. But you know what? I'm really glad I didn’t.
It’s also very early in the process for that. According to standard recommendations, I ought to have waited until I was well into hormone therapy - until the physical changes had progressed so far that I could not possibly have continued hiding behind my old female identity.
There are good reasons for this recommendation, of course. Coming out on the job is a much bigger risk for many transfolk than it was for me. You see, I don’t have a mortgage, a spouse or any dependents; I don’t have a career that needs protecting or an image that bears preserving. My life thus far has been somewhat chaotic. Okay, very chaotic. I’m still finding my path.
And I had good reasons for choosing not to go by the book. For one thing, pre-existing health concerns make it uncertain how far I will be able to go in terms of physical transition. (I’m still waiting on the okay for hormones, which is making me very very nervous; it’s always possible that this step will be denied me. Prayers, spells, and positive vibes are welcomed...) So it felt very important for me to be able to make the decision that, hey, I am who I am, and I have the right to be openly and publicly myself, regardless of what medical interventions may or may not be part of my transition process.
Then there was the fact that some of the adult students I work with (I'm a part-time music instructor, working for a nonprofit organization) are also members of my church community, who were already aware of my coming out... it seemed insane to ask both myself and these friends of mine to keep pretending that I was really two different people - one growing happily into a trans male identity in my private life, while the other continued an increasingly unhappy and uncomfortable show of female identity in my professional life.
Besides... I had finally managed, just before the whole Trans thing exploded for me, to come out to certain close family members as being Lesbian. It was another step closer to being a whole person, no longer fragmented, no longer hiding parts of myself in dark places. Suddenly feeling like I had to divide myself and hide again was like a giant step in the wrong direction - one foot back in that damn closet, only worse than before, because now I really knew how small and cramped and stifling it was in there...
So out I came. And discovered, to my great relief and delight, that both my organization and my direct supervisor are openly and unquestioningly supportive - as are the colleague I work with most closely, the parents of my younger students, and the adult learners I work with. What an amazing gift!
Ah, but now I have to walk the walk - and keep on walking it. I’m out, and I’m staying out. And here’s how it works, as decided in discussions with my boss and HR: current students have been notified that I’m in transition, but the plan is that new students will simply meet me as I am - identifying and presenting as male, hearing my boss and fellow staff use male pronouns for me, with no further explanation given unless it’s requested or seems necessary.
This is terrific, and I’m actually very comfortable with it. But of course, it’s also challenging - because I don’t necessarily “read” as male in a lot of ways. This is not a step that people normally take until they pass much better than I do. And my fellow staff members are still understandably just a wee a bit inconsistent on the pronoun thing! It’s a good thing I have a highly active sense of humor, because this is making for some very interesting scenarios as I meet with this Fall’s new students... let’s just say I’ve done a lot of laughing.
And when there’s confusion, I’m not entirely sure how to clear it up, or even whether I need to. Like yesterday, when one younger student (who had been present for an adult slipup) started using a feminine pronoun for me, then quickly self-corrected it to the masculine... I’m not certain what prompted either the “error” or the correction, but the correction happened in the right direction, so I left it alone.
Despite this, overall my students seem quite comfortable with me. This is especially gratifying with the adults. Those who are officially “in the know” are openly encouraging, while the new folks so far have invariably been either willing to ignore my gender-ambiguity (perhaps concepts like “transgender” aren’t on their radar) or quietly aware and supportive.
And in general, the kids seem to accept the situation at face value, which is having some rather fascinating results. For instance, I’ve noticed that little boys in my classes seem to feel more comfortable now than previously - which is a good thing all around, since the lone one or two boys in a music or theater class among sometimes dozens of girls (as well as a female teacher) often feel themselves to be outsiders... and consequently act that way. Conversely, the little girls are now a little less comfortable, a little less familiar; they keep a little more formal distance. Not a whole lot, not a troubling amount, but just enough for me to feel the difference.
I can’t help but be curious about what exactly the kids are responding to. Visual cues? Body language? (What fascinating doctoral work this could be for someone...)
I suspect there will be many other interesting, confusing, weird, and enlightening moments over the coming year. I guess I’ll deal with them as they occur. I’m up for the challenge. Feeling whole, as it turns out, is worth a lot of oddities and inconveniences.
Besides, my hope is eventually for a world in which life isn’t all about “fitting the mold” - in which you shouldn’t have to pass as “normal” in order for your experience of yourself and the universe to be considered valid. So yeah... I’m willing to go out there as a trans male in progress - very early progress! - and claim my place. I don’t need to wait until I’m "normal" and non-confusing. We need to learn to deal with a world that isn’t always simple, with people who don’t always fit into boxes. So I can do this, and maybe help pave a way for others to do it, too.
And in return, I get moments that just plain feel amazing, and I get them really early on in my process... like hearing passing kids excitedly point me out to their parents as “the guy who plays the guitar.”
The guy...
Yeah, I could have waited longer to come out, I could have done it by the book. But you know what? I'm really glad I didn’t.
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